Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Unit's LiveJournal:

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Monday, April 3rd, 2006
12:47 pm	Yeah, you still kiss me, but it's just on the cheek Yeah, you still kiss me, but it's just on the cheek Yeah, you still kiss me sometimes, but it's just on the cheek You pull away so easily And I still call you, but I get your machine And I still call you, but I get your machine And if I'm lucky I guess, I get your roommate answering But you're at the bar, or at Gene's And we go to dinner, but you won't hold my hand We sit at the same table, but we don't play with our feet Yeah, we still go to dinner sometimes, but we don't sneak a kiss When the waitress turns around And we still watch movies, but we don't share the couch And we still rent movies, but we don't share the couch Yeah, we still watch movies sometimes, but you don't lay in my lap The plot is slow, take a nap And you even stay over, but now we stay in our clothes Yeah, you'll even sleep over, but now we stay in our clothes Yeah, you even sleep over sometimes, but we stay in our clothes I'm only there so that you're not alone And you say that I hurt you, in a voice like a prayer Yeah, you say that I've hurt you, and your voice is like a prayer Yeah, well maybe I hurt you sometimes, but let's contrast and compare Lift up your shirt, the wound isn't there I guess that your truth, is just the ghost of your lies I guess your kind of truth, is just the ghost of your lies Yeah, your kind of truth, darling, is just the ghost of your lies I see through them all the time So I'm pouring some whiskey, I'm gonna get drunk Yeah, I'm pouring myself some whiskey, I'm going to get really fucking drunk I'm pouring some whiskey right now, I'm going to get so, so drunk That I pass out, forget your face, by the time I wake up. (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 9th, 2006
2:13 pm	101 Fuck this livejournal. xlamexcore. I go back and read through my descriptions of pathetic days and lonesome nights, overly exaggerated and poorly written tales of a life that seems so far removed from everything that’s been going on lately that’s its hard to believe that it all actually happened. My life as of late has become a strange whirlwind of emotions that up until now I’d yet to experience. The last 6 months of my life have shown me a world that I never thought could exist. I’ve experienced love, passion, remorse, anger, jealousy, bitterness, betrayal, broken heartedness. One special club that I’ve yet to join in this world has been the THAT EX-BOYFRIEND club, or as some may call it the THE EX-BOYFRIEND club. I’m not talking about some dude a girl dated for 3 months and things fizzled out, I’m referring to the boyfriend of all boyfriends, the virginity taking, years-of-ones-life spent with schmuck who for some reason every girl I fall for seems to have lingering in the back of their minds, if not secretly on the front burner. I’ve never been one of these guys. No girl looks back upon her freshman or sophomore year of high school and remembers me as being that one special dude, the dude that changed her life, her first love, her first fuck. I’ve simply been the guy who has stayed away from girlfriends, thriving and dying at the same time in a world of promiscuity, loneliness and frustration. As a result, I have nothing to run home to. My whole life has turned to complete shit in the course of two and a half weeks. In the fall I began to take the newfound love in my life for granted. I became too comfortable with the fact that someone else claimed to care about me, and as a result I acted in ways and did things that I would do anything to take back, to change. After blowing up in an explosive rage of heartbrokenness and jealousy, dealing with the immediate fallout and remorse, I’m left with nothing. I went and got tested for HIV, distracted myself, and now I’m back to nothing. Nothing is more frustrating than trying to open up to someone that you love only to have them twist every word around, get defensive and assume that you’re only trying to shift whatever blame for whatever stupid argument onto them. All I want to do is talk to her, to open up to her without her yelling at me, becoming hostile and mean and telling me that everything is black and white with me and that I only see things with myself in the positive. I can’t believe how badly I fucked up such a good thing. I fell in love with a girl who I still think is mind-blowingly amazing. This girl is gorgeous, humble, sweet, intelligent, funny. She understands my cynicism towards the world, my always suspicious and always critical outlook onto people and their bullshit behaviors and personas. She seemingly gets me, understands my humor. I, of course, had to shit all over this by freaking out one night, by breaking up with her on a crappy day and ruining everything that I felt we would eventually have together. The ride out to O’Hare will be a lonely one next week. Instead of sitting there, excited as can be at the thought of showing her all of California, at bringing her into my world confident that we love each other, I’ll be riding by myself. She will be getting ready to leave on her own lonely journey to the nations largest airport, except she will be flying home to rejoice and revel in her new found singleness, to get drunk and celebrate being away from her dramatic, moody, no-good piece of shit ex boyfriend whom she only seems to remember the bad memories with. I’ll be sitting there, in some new $60,000 car of Dans, being lonely, being depressed. I’ll ignore the phone calls from those who know that I’m in town. Every time an ex fling or a past hook up calls ill ignore them, my mind only concerned with HER and everything that I fucked up. Somewhere, between the 3rd and 4th Kush blunt, I’ll zone out long enough to convince myself that I can hear her passionate, thrilled moaning from 3,000 miles away as she erupts in drunken, familiar pleasure with THAT BOYFRIEND. I’ll be the farthest thing from her mind, simply an annoyance and a pain, a guy not worth staying faithful to because I FUCKED IT ALL UP and she wants to be single for a while. SHE wants to fuck other people, and though she claims she hasn’t already planned out the big fuck of a lifetime I can’t help but feel the excitement protruding from her pores as thoughts of THAT BOYFRIEND rush her. Because you never know whats going to happen, and reassurance is just a pain in the ass. I DID ALL OF THIS TO MYSELF AND EVERYTHING IS MY FAULT. It feels strange to for once not be sarcastic. WHY AM I SUCH A FUCKING IDIOT? (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 29th, 2005
2:03 pm	things are good. i have a new girlfriend, emma. shes great, shes everything i could want in a girl. smart, pretty, funny, doesn't take things too seriously. i spend most of my free time with her and i wouldn't want it any other way. the weather is getting colder. i walked outside this morning for class and this gust of cold wind just shot at me. its nice though, especially when i hear of things like fire back home. life is good, its strange. im happy and i think its genuine. ive experienced plenty of faux happiness, where because i had a good weekend or something i felt like i had beaten my depression. but because i havent been trying to beat it, or overcome it, it feels as if things have taken care of themselves. i have friends and a girlfriend and drugs and music and school and stimulation and a new city and everyone has been super nice, super friendly. i feel content when i wake up everyday. its strange. i stay busy and now my drugs are starting to become enhancers instead of friends i needed to lean on everyday to help me from killing myself. i hate thinking of the relationship i used to have with them, where my life and day revolved around them because it was as if they were all i had. a little glass picture frame and razorblade. now, well, things are just different. things are fun again. i miss you california, but not that much. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, September 11th, 2005
4:12 pm	i woke up today. took a shower. drank some orange juice. im sitting in the chicago public library, using the free wireless and sort of doing some work for my classes this week. that sounds weird to me. classes. school. work. not being a piece of shit. hey im getting there. thus far everything has been sort of mindblowingly great. i came here with my guard up, expecting to walk into a life where that day to day pain of just being alive would tear me down again. but so far its been everything that san diego wasn't. its been social. very social. lots of girls, lots of guys, everybody excited about our new lives together in this new city. the kids of the midwest are nice. they are friendly. i think i would have found things to be similar had i lived in a dorm in san diego. i would have had a lot of fun and probably have ended up staying down there. but oh well. here there are no bros, no jocks, none of the shit that bothered me before. but somehow i feel that i really wouldn't care about the bros or jocks even if they were around. i just dont care. it doesnt matter. let people be and try to find some common ground. quit fixating on the differences and revel in what you have in common. what you can laugh about and what you can bond over. my roommates are great. one is a thinker, one is from the southside, one is 25, and the other guy who moved in after us is my age and likes all music i was listening to throughout my sophmore/junior year in highschool. we are supposed to have 6 total, but leslie has yet to show up. the initial rush i got from moving in has really helped me start things out on a better foot here as opposed to how i went about things in san diego. im not by myself constantly. i am in an environment to meet people. classes are fine. im not too enthused but i guess no one really is. i miss my mom brother and sister. ive been fighting with my dad off and on for a while, but in the past few days we have actually had a few decent conversations. well i wouldnt call them decent, but we arent screaming at each other and he isnt demanding that i "get the fuck out of his car." i still think about san diego a lot. im hoping that as i get further into my new life my random day dreams of san diego and all that is was and wasn't will go away. so as of right now im happy. its strange. i just showed up one day and all of a sudden there are girls knocking on my door, new friends rolling blunts and im walking around downtown chicago ripped and drunk with a sense of enthusiasm and excitement that i havent felt in years. but im just waiting for it all to fade. soon things will be frozen and the girls will see through my bullshit and my roommates will get annoying. so negative. but i just always think about how things could be. i never want to be so dissappointed again. fuck san diego. i know it was all my fault. but fuck i mean i was set up to fail. i miss california a bit but im happy with my new home. most of the girls here are just diet coke versions of the only girl ive ever really liked. i dont know if anyone still reads this but oh well. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, June 23rd, 2005
3:59 am	i guess i should update. i don't know, i mean when im found dead somewhere i think ill have wanted my livejournal to be up to date. well life is still strange. i say/think that to myself a lot. its funny discovering brand new, previously unthinkable levels of giving up. like you thought you gave up, but you had no idea. like oh i gave up on things my junior year. and again. and again. but there was always that possibility of college, of excitement, of leaving westlake. and thats all turned to shit. so im currently at my lowest, or most committed, level of giving up. im sure ill soon enough find something to further my disappointment, to encourage me to dedicate my life to cynicism even more and make me sleep for all 24 hours instead of the 18 or so i usually get in these days. somewhere between the life changing philosophical realizations junior year, the excitement and eventual turning-to-shit of college, getting the tattoo, having the 2nd tattoo removal laser treatment (blood everywhere and lots of fire burning sensations in my left arm), the news of soon-to-be-needed spinal fusion surgery, the lower by the day self esteem, the blah blah blah. i just got lost. though i bullshit with a lot of people ive become even less willing to do so as of late. i have no problem being cold and cynical. i mean sure i get all full of personality when im in the mood, but at least it doesn't feel as forced as it used to. it just comes out when i guess i really am feeling that way, not just that im trying to portray myself that way to cover up my intense self hatred. ramble ramble ramble ramble ramble. crowded hollywood club tonight. lots of pretty girls. everyones happy. and yet im still sad, or annoyed or tired, or something. i sleep all the time and when im not sleeping im delivering pizza in simi valley. if im at home and not sleeping im either masturbating or eating. i dont play music anymore. i dont update in here very often because i dont feel like typing out the same stupid shit day after day. im miserable, ive been miserable for 3 years, it gets worse every hour im awake, sometimes i have a good couple hours, every once in a while a good day. i hate everything and everyone, i care about nothing. i day dream a lot, a lot a lot. im an ambitious dreamer but i have all sorts of things that get in my way. pretty much just myself. i hold myself back an insane amount. analyzing, judging, thinking, dreaming, contemplating, wishing, hating, wanting, blah blah blah. ok now the joke is supposed to be over the good times are supposed to start rollin' around so that i can laugh and trivialize this crippling time in my life as some phase and go on to get married and be normal and be put on psychiatric drugs and just be numb. but the type of numb that people won't realize, because they support it. because thats what they are. nothing is close to my heart. i keep everything and everyone on such a far off fringe that its like they really aren't a part of my life. i dont call anyone back. i dont make any effort. i let my appearance keep away the women so that i can just be bitter all day and not just fucking grow up already. dont you all know im full of shit? if i had my way we would all be dead and all of this bullshit would be over with. im tired of this. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 14th, 2005
10:33 am	i was tagged by jilian so i guess i have to post my five favorite songs of the moment: "dirty dream number two" belle & sebastian "mondo '77" looper "miami/the jungle" airborn audio "us" regina spektor "a better son/daughter" rilo kiley i guess i have to tag other people, so matt, steve, and justin. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, June 12th, 2005
3:34 pm	its pretty rad when you plug in your ipod only to find out that it randomly decided to erase your 4600+ songs. awesome. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, May 12th, 2005
12:34 am	where is the stimulation? donde fucking esta la fucking stimulation? why must there be the beer pong and "lets see who can say the most moronic and least interesting thing" game? why do i feel bad for being bored in every social situation? is it me? am i the one at fault? am i the one that is boring? should i feel lame for not wanting to get down onto that level? time and time again i find myself sitting in the corner of the room zoning out contemplating something while i hear the low fuzz of people discussing who won some nba game or how drunk they were last night. if its not one of those topics its some girl talking about her boyfriend. i really do give people chances. im polite and social and kind. i try my best to make nice with everyone and be social, but after about 5-10 minutes i cant stand the fuzzy noise they all make and i zone them out. they no longer exist. is it realistic to want someone to come up to me at a party and ask me some witty brilliant question? does anyone have a brain? im not nearly as riled up as i probably sound. i just wish people had something to say, because i have a lot to say, and i never seem to find anyone worth having any decent conversation with. it could be me. maybe. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, May 2nd, 2005
9:14 pm	role model ok ok. ive been bored on the internet and i thought that if i randomly clicked "update" that something might come to mind. randomly having quasi-faux cyber sex with an old friend that you grew up with is something. im not sure what. people like their moments of shining, glorious spotlight. take advantage of the mic. milk that shit. internet questionaires (sp): for those desperate in need of someone to ask them something, anything about themselves or for those who simply want to keep those around them informed who knows. voice mail boxes filled with two dozen messages. im sure ill feel the need to summarize my year in san diego before i move out. mini sneak attack summary: i had the strangest friendship this year, bonded very strongly by the idealism that consciousness expansion brings (rip hunter) i blew off everyone i knew, then those who i gave a shit enough about i called back up. TJ bad drug habits mindblowing depression mindblowing lonliness discovery of new love for hip hop turned 45 dropped out of school cried over some dumb bitch learned a lot about what i dont want in someone. grew comfortable considering myself a feminist who uses words like bitch and slut. grew even more self aware (i suppose thats a given, as everyone does as they get older) discovered what having a pathetic, no-life, drug addicted pissed off depression suicidal violent rage feelin' existence is like. everyone should have the year ive had. felt like i hit rock bottom, then fell further. grew so accustomed to my darkness that im in love with it. chilled out. got inspired for adventure. became less patient with those who bother me. if your lame, your lame, and we dont need to hang out. learned how to ignore phone calls. anal sex. learned how to not return phone calls. made peace with my existence and allowed all the not so apparent things that ive learned this year to empower me to own the future. im not a player just an ill rhyme sayer and dont forget. destroy the mind. destroy the body. but you cannot destroy the heart. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 22nd, 2005
7:47 pm	have you ever just loved everything about one particular girl? I wanna be much more like you Your effortlessly graceful scene That drips from every pore of you Where logic cannot intervene I wanna take a bath with you And wash the chaos from my skin I wanna fall in love with you So how do we begin ? I wanna be a girl like you The way you swing your hips in jeans I wanna wear my face like you Shiseido MAC and Maybelline I wanna paint the town with you And tickle you until you scream I wanna fall in love with you I wanna say I do I wanna say I do I wanna say I do I wanna say I do I wanna say I do I wanna be much more like you The way your smile lights up the room I'll kick back as men flirt with you To jealousy I'll stay immune This confidence in me and you This hope that you and I will bloom I wanna fall in love with you I wanna say I do I wanna say I do I wanna say I do I wanna say I do I wanna say I do The question is do you ? (1 Comment |Comment on this)
6:21 pm	rock bottom take #302 nearly three months. i wish i had something wonderful to show for it. like an album, or a new body, or some new found happiness. or a girl. fuck even some new toy, some unimportant thing that could prove to the world that i have a hobby or interest in something. like a copy of the new version of reason, or a new shirt. however, despite what sugar-brained mothers and unrealistic films will lead you to believe, things seem to not be working out in the end. mind numbing depression and countless disappointing life experiences do not entitle you to some reward. experiencing heartbreak does not entitle you to love. then why are we led to believe otherwise? why are we urged to keep trucking on, keeping at "it" day after day? does this light at the end of this dark and exhausting tunnel exist? are we only urged to keep trucking on so that we can contribute to an economy/society that will never show us its nice side? a select one percent keep the other 99 mindlessly busiy living so that they can reap the benefits? why am i growing more and more paranoid that everywhere and with everything there is someone maliciously trying to take our money and keep us on the simple one track path to death? what the fuck am i talking about? my mood has been elevated recently but mostly only because ive grown accustomed to the things that used to terrify me. in the past i allowed things like clothes music and girls to send me spiraling into horrible moods filled with self loathing hatred and a constant contemplation for suicide. but as the months have gone on and the drugs have increased my vulnerability to the evil things in life such as women and ego has died down. i no longer am worried about having a life or being a certain way or having certain friends or doing certain things or even making an attempt at living up to the life i constantly day dream about while im busy trying to look like im working, folding jeans and throwing out sugar-coated opinions. "your not a size 12, not you, no way. ill bring you a 9." i tell myself (and while doing so try to convince myself that i am not the most naive and ignorant person ever) that what doesnt kill you makes you stronger. that these years of yearning and dreaming and disappointment and boredom are just the hard knock years, and that after this ill be warm on my couch with my girl and laughing at myself while being astonished at just how wonderful life can be. i used to get into these moods where i wanted to scream "cant nobody take my pride, cant nobody hold me down" or "do it real big" to the entire world and i would tell myself all this bullshit that if im going to stick around ill make the most of it and do it big and all that bullshit. but i dont have the energy anymore. i cant bring myself to ever think in such a hyper manner anymore, to get that optimistic about the future or to even be excited for that manner. numb. this isnt a declaration of a new phase of my depression, more so it is a declaration of me calming down. i used to get crazy, all day, everyday. fed up with how i coninued to fall short in life all day everyday. i used to get into moods where i would be obsessed with changing things and that the future held so much potential. but all of that has faded. once again, not more depressed, just smarter and more accustomed to my same level of depression. why is it that we are doomed to be disappointed? why do i become such a basketcase that i let myself believe that someone could fall in love with me over the phone? i feel foolish for being so overly excited/optimistic. just when i thought that my self esteem was taking a turn for the better (diet + exercise works) im reminded of just how ugly and worthless i really am. but really, what was i expecting? foolish, foolish, basketcase, foolish! i hate watching those closest to me grow more and more ugly. constantly lying to themselves, lying to others. convincing themselves that they will become this wonderful persona they describe to their friends. ive become so demented and self absorbed that all i can do is fixate on how stupid everyone i come across is, how every conversation is a waste of my brain power and how nearly every friendship that i maintain is so chock full of phoniness its scary. i accidently highlighted and deleted the last half of my entry after i was done writing so the last half of this is just a summary of the rambling i had already written out. thank you! right? i still dont know what im talking about. (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 29th, 2004
12:13 am	i feel as if i dont need much anymore. i going through the process of shedding all the bullshit from my life. i realize that i like being a loner much more than i would have thought. all i need are just a few friends, my siblings, and maybe a pretty girlfriend. generalizing makes everything SO this way or that its sort of ruined my brain. i like to think that everyone is a dishonest lying whiny piece of shit with little to no ability to think especially in a self aware sense. but then what fun would life be? so i stay social with all the morons who simply provide me with something to do. i feel like i can relate to most everyone on some level and i just spend my time having uninteresting conversations with people that i couldn't care less about. feeling like your about to burst with honesty can be hard. i mean sure screaming out "i think your fucking amazing and i would love to kiss you by this open window so small amounts of rain land on our heads as we lock lips" would be to say the least freeing, it just couldnt happen. at least not this time. matter and existence seem so limiting. so fucking limiting. like anything that doesn't fit into our galaxy and the laws that define it just simply don't exist? we have our set rules and there are no further dimensions. i mean there is nothing beyond "life" ? this is the only chance and anything ever being anything. there is so much hardship. so many people leading such bullshit lives and for what? well unfortunately it doesnt matter, they eventually will be forgotten like the billionaires they might lay next to. but still, despite our unifying lack-of-having-a-reason-to-live-for existences, the truth is is that life is still very long when your miserable and you might as well see it out but i dont know its depressing to me to watch people live such bullshit lives. i have a friend that i just want to grab from behind and kiss. because she is really pretty and really smart. even if i've said it before, everything is nothing and anything is everything. its all in your head. all of it. i feel bad for most everyone. didn't quite luck out during the soul distrubution? why am i the son of mimi and steve and not bill and mandy? why am i not the son of some family in east germany? an infinite light board with infinite, unflipped switches and just randomly they get turned on and randomly sent out to the nearest something. just please let me be cute and passionate and romantic and i promise i wont kill anyone. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, December 24th, 2004
12:06 am	my brain is a computer that i like to put on sleep as much as possible. still running, but not functioning. everyone is everything on myspace. its fucking annoying. i bet none of them are anything. just phonies. everything is nothing and everything has a black and white. life is pointless yet living is the better choice because you might as well as see what this movie ends up like, right? i mean if there are a seemingly infinite amount of ways to live a life then its like an infinite amount of new, intense movies to view, right? everyday my chest gets super heavy whenever any pretty girl walks in. they are these beings that seem to be so far out of reach its terrifying. i really am hell bent on just sticking things out because i might as well considering that i have nothing to lose, right? i mean none of us do. death is certain, but nothing else is. and thats supposed to be beautiful, right? the possibilities i have at my doorstep are so fucking breathtaking that i can't seem to latch on to anything. my imagination allows me to vision a world where everything is somehow pretty. when im in the right state of mind EVERYTHING is fucking beautiful. this love i envision last through ages and is so fucking gorgeous that it just has this foreverness about it. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, December 17th, 2004
12:16 am	fuck well you know i suppose things are crazy right now. i keep thinking about a dimly yet still beautifully lit ball room filled with beautiful people. pink lighting on the walls, full of romance. open collared shirt with guns blazing. i need to stop getting frustrated with music, and i feel as if im starting to view music itself as much less that i usually would. i feel as if its just this back up section of a song, there to compliment my droning. artists need a canvas to paint on right? singers need music to sing over, and so forth. its almost beautiful. almost sort of. in my head. i have this incredible ability of spending all my time day dreaming about a life that won't ever exist. at least not until i get the energy to make it happen. its crazy and i feel so something but i dont know. i know what a spoiled shit i am. however, i was thinking today that maybe being well off opens up entirely new avenues of exploration with the mind. like because ive been priveleged enough to live a quality of life that many people spend their entire lives trying to achieve (i know how lame that sounds but just imagine it in the least arrogant way possible) i can thus spend my time focusing on random shit or viewing things differently because i know what the life is like and im trying to take it to the next step. to some sort of new level of thinking and brutal self awareness that drives most people mad. gender is limiting. i dont want a girl. i want a smart funny witty romantic and intense human who happens to be female. i dont want to be a guy. i want to be a human being with certain qualities, because the qualities that define those two are just fucking horrible. ive become a pig. i wish i could live in teh 1979 video and jump into strangers pools and kiss my pretty friends and just enjoy myself. why would someone only give out hugs on special occasions? i wonder if anything will ever matter. i dont think it ever could. where you are at in life is so relative to how you view yourself. its crazy. we need more self aware people. more thinkers. i dont know what lies ahead. its the only thing i have to hold onto right now .the possibility that ill somehow pull off my catcher in the rye meets nomad meets billy corgan/conor oberst lifestyle with some hipster flair and whatever i dont know. chicago/seattle/san francisco ---> brooklyn ----> london ----> hollywood (mid twenties) this is just a very broad and overly ambitious map. i dont want to be like george jung and have my ambition far surpass my talent. i dont want to just spend my life thinking about things and not living. always contemplating this utopia that puts me into a permanent depression and forces me to not give anything a chance. i like it when the sun is above the sky at around 11:30 am, and you cant see it when you look out your car window, but you see it just light up the ocean and there are no clouds. i want to actually pull off some of the romantic artistic interesting life personas that i dream about all day. its all i think about, and maybe i could do it. i need to get hot first. it would just make things easier. (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 7th, 2004
12:39 am	life right now is like this: everyday all i do is think about all these things that i should be writing down and by the time i get home and near my computer all is forgotten and its like what a waste of thought right? so like therefore i think ill keep a little notebook with me at all times, like harriot the spy. things to ponder: potential of monsters under the bed using sacred music to better your internet persona because you dont listen to anything moron whats the other side its always this fucking other opposite side that fucks with my ability to really do anything so its like oh but you know blah blah blah maybe moving somewhere new would be a terrible experience. or maybe the best who knows fuck fuck. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, November 29th, 2004
3:36 am	Why I Hate The World....( And Other Random Ramblings) WHY I HATE THE WORLD how convenient for me to update at 3:37 am, right? always watching im sure. a few quick things. the ending to blow just bums me out for a few hours every time i watch it. ambition surpassed talent. i sort of feel that way. to a certain extent. i feel, that as far as personal-in-my-head-utopias go, mine is pretty fucking awesome. but i don't have the "talent" or whatever you want to replace that with to put all of my crazy ambitions into action. but maybe no one does. everyone has all this wasted ambition and it just evaporates and becomes nothing and everything that person ever wanted doesnt fucking matter anymore. i find it strange that the poorer i get the more and more it seems that spending large sums of money is perfectly ok. money has become strange to me. i know what im going to do with $300 and it doesnt bother me that im spending $300. i could care less. its becoming more and more apparent that the guest that checked into my head back during my junior year has no plans on leaving. this is a permanent tattoo on my life. forever i will be plagued by my never ending contemplation and this will in turn be my ultimate downfall. nothing i do feels remotely special or interesting. notice how i immediately left my previous topic because this just literally popped into my head. its like that. it just comes by and knocks on me at random times each day. what do i have to say about california? i dont really know. i do know that that awesome song by phantom planet that got dubbed as the oc theme song really makes california at least sound perfect. what the fuck am i talking about? random overly romanticized fixations about california? i dont know though! maybe california is this great place and im just being stubborn by not giving into it. or maybe i am it. i dont fucking know. do i define a certain breed of californian? who the fuck knows. everyone apparently. no one knows shit its all a fucking guessing game. good luck with that. im appreciating my ability to be friendly with everyone more and more. im still yet to find really any friends in san diego, however i have realized that i have my great ability to get down onto everyones level thus making me easy to get along with and thus a perfect candidate for some new friends. but i think because i know how to talk to wiggers, pop punkers, edge hardcore kids, bros, jocks, stoners, and every other immature label that im just using to prove my far reaching ability to dumb myself down to a fucking assortment of characters that i really am spreading myself too thin and not connecting with anyone i really would have any respect for. i dont find much intellectual stimulation, and despite my constant effort to try and find it, it is yet to come into my life. see how scatter brained i am? i dont think hardly anymore. im paranoid that everyone views me as this huge phony. full of shit moron who doesnt know anything except how to run his mouth with bullshit. and of course bullshit that he has clue about. i try to peer into the eyes of friends in search of their true opinions, true thoughts. i know who my friends with a brain are and they are the ones who get the most analyzing. the morons i dont even bother with. feminist? misogynist? a combination? a non violent hatred? a frustration? who the fuck knows. if only everyone could see it all. (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 23rd, 2004
8:10 am	How Beautiful are we Our lives being so empty Follow follow listen listen We Don't hold anything Existing pointlessly I have nothing to lose dont just fucking lay there what am i supposed to do warm pretty soft amazing why would you want me? everyones so insanely gorgeous and im the monster staring judging analyzing obsessing there is no life for me (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, November 14th, 2004
8:26 pm	i just dont know i just dont. no amount of cute words makes it feel better anymore. no overly hopeful quotes or words or anything makes it work. i honestly feel like im dying at the slowest rate possible. soon enough im just going to wither away on my couch and no one will know for weeks. even at that point i dont know how anyone would ever know i was dead. suicide is only half appealing when there is a star factor included, like your entire high school would focus on it for a minute or five. but then you move away and the fact that you just stopped breathing one day doesnt mean anyhting to anyone and know one would know and maybe someone would think of me from time to time. i dont know. everything is a huge blur now. i hate my fucking tv and my fucking computer. i hate cars and people. i just dont know about anything fuck fuck blah blah numb numb numb numb. fuzzy fuzzy fuzzy. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, November 13th, 2004
6:21 pm	Got a job at Levi's store. Seeing the faint tonight. Today was the most pathetic day of my life. I think I'm running away from happiness. I'm an asshole to everyone who makes an effort to be my friend. I'm a loner. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, November 7th, 2004
9:09 pm	its a sunday night and im at one of the largest crossroads of my life. its weird to think that someone doesnt answer my phone calls. i mean that thought never crossed my mind when i thought "why cant i ever get a hold of this person?" its weird leaving town for a while, chilling the fuck out, gaining a new perspective, and then coming back around. its like you know that all of this was so familiar at one point but you have no idea where it all went. the fact that people only remember the good parts is very hard. seeing jennie tonight made me think of all the wonderful things about her. how absolutely stunning she really is, how sweet and caring and nice she is and how she is the complete opposite of the bitchy self obsessed trash that fills most of southern california. ideal, right? well obviously something wasnt right, but somehow i found myself having difficulty remembering all those not-so-right things. all i could see when i looked at her was how beautiful and sweet she is, and all of the clash of ideals and blah blah blah and difference in levels of conservatism no longer mattered. it was like, "FUCK THIS i dont care how different i thought we were your still amazing to me!" but shes off with a new man that i know i could run circles around but will keep that to myself sort of and i dont know. life is strange and despite how typical that sounds its true. perspectives are constantly subjective to whatever your latest experiences are or have been. moving out and living on my own and experiencing that level of lonliness and depression that i never thought i could sink to has changed my view on everything. every little thing i get invited to now i take up, every possible conversation i take part in. when you experience this sort of numbing lonliness/depression/wanting to die, life changes. nothing matters and the only thing that makes you feel anything really at all are the hugs and the laughs. i treat everyone i know like shit at somepoint and somehow am able to put the pieces back together each time after ive had some breakdown. i dont understand this. its like all i want is to be around people but at the sametime i have this problem with viewing everyone as an idiot and thus not capable of getting on my level and thus not worth my time. its lame. being arrogant is my only way of separating those who i wouldnt have any desire to be around anyway with those who understand my humor and personality enough to make being around them worth my time. so am i saying that i only want to be around people who think and act likewise to me? well yes, because if you view the world like i do, then your something worth holding onto. ive realized in the most genuine of ways ( not just in some yearbook, video montage way) that life is equal for all those involved. as much as ive touched on the subject of pointlessness and life having no meaning, i will say it again. rich/poor, smart/moron, we all die alike. i make the biggest effort to not get wrapped up in absolutely stupid distractions. are they stupid because they are stupid or because i gino silver THINK that they are stupid? well it doesnt matter, because what is and isnt stupid is all a matter of opinion anyway. religion and sports are the main things in my mind that are distractions of the weak minded. if life is just a bunch of different things to divert our attention on a daily basis, well then in my opinion there are better things to do each day then talk about fantasy football and believe in some la la land god who is going to save you. but its all just my opinion. which sucks. opinion is the downfall of everything. everything is so FUCKING relative to everything else and everyones opinions thats its like the world is in complete gridlock because nothing can function because its all so fucking relative to everything. well i dont know. i know that i like to spend my time listening to good music and staring a pretty girls. are those distractions stupid? maybe. but it doesnt fucking matter buddy. havent you realized it by now? having an opinion about another opinion is just another way to kill time. i want to be happy and pretty much just kick it. if im not going to kill myself then im going to do this life thing the best that i can. look my best, speak my best, play my best, write my best, think my best, whatever. because if it doesnt matter anyway, then the only point in staying around is to do it the best way possible, right? i mean maybe face tits and ass are all that matter in life? fucking hot women is truly living life to the fullest, isnt it? i dont know. maybe. it sure seems like it to me, and i could justify it till the day i die. good night. (6 Comments |Comment on this)